Alice Munro |
I'm asking these questions because I wonder if I'm the only woman-of-a-certain-age who gets a jolt from the unbiased view through a camera lens. The response I felt on encountering my own image in newsprint last week deserves a rank on the Richter scale. It came as I got a first look at the promotional ad announcing my new writing project--a Sunday column called "Not the Retiring Type" set to debut April 20 in The Register-Guard.
Barbara Ehrenreich |
At 71, I figured I was exactly the right age to author a column on active aging--the good, the bad, and the ugly. I didn't expect to begin with the "ugly." A week before, I'd positioned myself on a stool in the newspaper's photo studio and posed for a photo to be used with my upcoming columns. When I opened the paper and encountered the results, I blanched. I mean, it wasn't just a poor photo, it was something worse. When did this happen? This weary smile and tired eyes? What lens could do this to me?
The lens, I fear, is my own eyes! I never see that newspaper face in the bathroom mirror. She isn't the image that appears when I brush my hair, apply mascara, or check my look before heading out the door. Painfully, I'm recognizing just how skilled I've become at mental air-brushing and photo-shopping to soften lines, brighten eyes, and assess the outcome as "not bad."
The irony of this hasn't escaped me. As I set out to write about the pleasures and perils of aging, I'm balking at my own aging face. Not the face I see, but the face in the photo. Do we all confront this dissonance, at each and every age, between how we see ourselves and how we are seen? I'm a bit embarrassed but also intrigued by the conflict I've uncovered in myself--the me who feels ready to be 71 and the me that doesn't want that age to show.
Truth is, this jolt is precisely what I was seeking when I decided to tackle a new writing assignment. I wanted to shake up a life that had gotten a bit too quiet and too routine. How was I to know that the topic I tackled would hurl me straight into my own ageism! That's probably something worth further exploration by a writer-of-a-certain-age who is decidedly "Not the Retiring Type." (Meanwhile, I'm having a photo retake!)
I absolutely LOVE this post, Carolyn. You've struck a responsive chord in me!
ReplyDeleteGreat news on your column. xo
Sharon Bray
Sharon, thank you for your enthusiastic response. I"m happy to report that I am feeling a bit better about the make-up photo that was taken. I got a look at the new "me" in today's paper and it's not quite as jolting as the previous photo.But maybe I'm just adjusting to what's so.
DeleteI loved it as well, Carolyn. I can so relate to the mental acceptance of my age and yet balking at the reality of it.
ReplyDeleteApparently this is a quandary many of us face! I like to think I'm realistic about aging but…. maybe I'm fooling myself about that too!
DeleteCarolyn, I feel your pain. You're 10 years ahead of me, almost to the exact day, but YIKES! The camera!!! It's no longer my friend, except when I'm behind it. Not that it ever was nice to me, but still…. Who is the wrinkled, faded face in MY photos? I feel 18, so why don't I look it any more? :D
ReplyDeleteSara Marvin
Yep! That's the feeling! Except I feel more like 45.
Delete"The lens, I fear, is my own eyes!"
ReplyDeleteI love that line and it's so powerful! I always believed that one's age is meaningless; that's it's more important to gauge how I feel physically and how I engaged I am mentally. I still believe it but it's hard not to notice the changes that occur as we age. Thanks for sharing!
Taylor
Yes. I absolutely agree that what's important about age is how we feel. Still, it's a shock that I don't look the age I feel…. so much for "seeing is believing."
DeleteI have been wanting to comment, but I'm afraid an unflattering photo will attach itself here. Oh, well. I'm going to take a chance and agree with all of you that we are as young as we feel. And what a wealth of knowledge and experience we have! I wouldn't trade that for all the fountains of youth in the world.
ReplyDelete